Rambling: Letter to Myself

Reflection activity we did as a team: 

Dear Nicole,

            Today is Wednesday, May 16, 2012.  My last day at Collins Academy is Friday, and next week is the end of my City Year experience.  It’s strange to be ending something that has consumed my life for the past 2 years.  I’m not sure that I’ll ever be a part of something that fosters such a deep transformation in such a short period of time.  Right now, my basic emotions are overwhelmed, grieving, and excited – it’s bittersweet.  I’ll try to capture all of my feelings and memories in this one letter, but know that it won’t be sufficient and I won't get the language exactly accurate and it will only be a glimpse. 

            Some of my favorite memories are those that involve just hanging out with kids when there’s a carefree, loving atmosphere in the air (Yaree, Trevon, Eli Bunny, Marvin, Tyshawn, Denikko) Some of them are those really deep, intimate conversations with kids when they open up and you know that they know you won’t judge them (Jerome, Vincent, Justin).  Some of them are time spent with the team (sparking champagne, Hannah ribbon dancing, ridiculous emails from Phil, sleeping on the train with Andrea, my teams’ Life’s Work,  the end of the team supercharger at Robeson, team days at Phil’s, Dan’s, Jade’s, Senait’s, and my place).  Some of them are events planned for the students (Camp Duncan, Career Day, Tyshawn’s poem at Word Warriors, the last day of Spring Break Camp, Manny doing the cat-daddy at the talent show). Some are the magic that can happen with the corps (every talent show, the quality community meeting moments, Ripples of Hope satisfaction, playing Base Defense during Camp).  And some of them are time spent with my Senior Corps family (IJ with Carly and Dan, the day our life’s work banners were on display, the entire summer training out of uniform, South Haven, Boston training, bars, and travel).  I’d like to look back fondly on the sillyness and culture, too – PT, ABCs, BTA, really acronyms in general, email etiquette, dosage, Bobb Darnell, trackers, voting, and first circles.   I always get get weird during times of change about worrying that I’ll ‘lose memories’ and that the value they give my will decrease over time – I think that’s why I get so nostalgic when things are ending.  However, the memories, the ways the impacted me, the photos, and the people involved will never end.

            I never want to forget what I learned here – treat EVERYONE with respect, resist gossip and negativity, collaborate as much as possible, seek out feedback, value diversity, over-communicate, remember that the people are the job (not the tasks), and spend the time necessary to build and rebuild your team.  I’m glad that my experience confirmed what I already thought to be the key to life – everyone is a good person, and when treated with respect and provided with the right environment, will make the right choices.  The most important thing in education is love.

            I’m proud of the structure I provided for our team – our 3 non-negotiables (open communication, 100% effort, and see the best in every child), our visual ways to manage tasks, the norm of asking for feedback, and excessive positivity.  I’m proud that I was able to earn the respect of my team and the organization almost all of the time.  I’m proud that I was able to put the needs of my supervisor and the team above my own complaints.  I’m proud that I worked really hard, not just the minimum.  I’m proud that we earned the reputation of caring, welcoming people in the building. I’m proud that everyone at school and CY knows who I am.  I’m proud that I allowed myself to listen, change, and be impacted. 

            I’m worried that I inadvertently left some kids behind along the way during the past 2 years.  Everyone needs so much, and I don’t have time to even identify all of the needs, let alone meet all of them.  I hope those students still felt my love and will for them, even if at a greater distance. 

            When I look back at myself on Day One, I see myself as a nervous ‘newbie’, not sure how kids would respond to a “little white girl,” complaining about the ugly uniform, and asking so many questions.  I love that now I feel more at home in North Lawndale than in Uptown, kids greet me with hugs and fist bumps, they stop themselves from cursing in front of me, and I can understand (most of) the slang.  Now my attitude is protective mama bear - “yup, those are my kids, I can roll my eyes and laugh with them but YOU BETTER NOT.”  I’ll go into my next inner-city job with context and confidence.

            I hope I remember the community feeling that City Year has given me and take that where I go.  It’s cool to feel like I’m joining an invisible group of alumni who share the same bond, mission, and spirit.  Even if it doesn’t remain a part of my every day life, I will keep City Year, the values, the students, the people, and the lessons with me; even if I don’t know that it’s impacting my actions, it’s become such a part of me that it always will. 

Yours in Service,

Nicole